Maybe, I'm a Fool

Sonder Spotlight: a piece by The Grey Nomad

Anxiety clings to my ankles like a toddler left hungry. Perhaps, it is because of the society, the household that I was raised in, or maybe it’s just who I am; but it has undeniably become an integral part of my existence.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand where it all began, and I keep returning to a familiar feeling: helplessness. As a child, there were moments that left me shaken, moments I couldn’t control. I was too young to change anything, too small to fight back. Looking back now, I see how much those little experiences shaped me into an individual that I'm honestly not very proud of.

I did not really realize this back then, but they left marks—not always visible, but always present. And if nothing else, I can say this: my younger self was stronger than I ever gave them credit for.

Maybe I wasn't exactly strong. I simply did not understand what was going on, but you know, it always felt inherently wrong and unjust. Perhaps if I had to live through that again, with my slightly advanced consciousness, it would have been unbearable. Yeah, ignorance is blissful.

That helplessness, I think, is why I now crave control. Maybe not exactly in the way of a possessive or overbearing person, but in slightly more subdued, yet equally toxic manner.

Honestly I just need to know what’s coming next, down to the smallest detail. Surprises, even the good ones unsettle me, and sudden change still feels unwelcome. I have always felt that perhaps if I could predict what’s next, maybe just maybe I could keep myself safe. Maybe I could stop the past from repeating itself. But the world doesn’t work that way, and I’m honestly still learning to make peace with that.

Another gift that these experiences have endowed upon me, is a fierce, almost instinctive distaste towards rules, authority and any sort of command. To be commanded, irks me, and I have often felt this quiet but stubborn refusal to comply without question.

I was never outwardly rebellious, rowdy or very vocal about my defiance. I simply did what I had to do. Always. And honestly, it’s not defiance for the sake of rebellion either. I have never felt an urge to rock a red beret and quote Che. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s this feeling of having the right to decide for myself, for once. A need, a hunger to carve my own path, even if it is winding, uneven, jagged and broken.

People have never trusted me in positions of authority. I am always unpredictable, a stray—too restless, too unwilling to conform. I never exude that quiet self-confidence of a leader. Instead, I question too much, challenge too often, and refuse to play by rules that feel arbitrary. Am I at fault? I don’t know.

I think, in some ways, people see me as unreliable—not because I am incapable, but because I never play the part they expect. I am not the steady, unwavering figure they can depend on; I am the one who strays off the path, who takes detours, who asks weird questions when I could just follow the rules. And maybe that unsettles them. Maybe it is unsettling, but it is a part of me nonetheless. Maybe it makes them think I am too chaotic, too difficult to trust with anything that requires stability. Maybe, it is true. I have no way of knowing. Or maybe they're simply afraid of uncertainty, the same way I am.

Stability—yes, I have always detested that word. It has always felt like a kind of restraint. Why cling to the same routine, the same monotony, just for the illusion of ‘stability,’ when there are a thousand other possibilities to explore, ten thousand different paths to take, and a million other experiences waiting to be lived? But even as I write this, a part of me wonders—am I running away from stability, or am I simply terrified of the stillness it brings? I have no definitive way of answering.

Well, you know, stillness gives you time to think, to feel, to confront the things you’ve spent years avoiding. And maybe, just maybe, I am afraid of what I’ll find in that silence.

Ah well, I don't know. Because,

Maybe, I'm a fool,

Thinking there's a God

Laughing above

Oh well, he is a sinner

For letting us all loose.

-Peter Cat Recording Co.

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"Hi! I'm kinda like a wanderer, still in the process of discovering myself - (thus the name :D). I write not because it's cute, but because I'm a member of the human race, filled with passion, just like Robin Williams once said. I've honestly beem writing stuff— my feelings, poems, or just random tidbits, wver since I was a kid. For me, writing is more than a craft; it's a creative outlet, a way to give form to my deepest impulses.”

-The Gray Nomad

see the full interview on our Instagram page, @sonderliterary!

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